A long time coming…

Ten years ago, I was a pile of tears on the floor of my childhood bedroom. No, I was not a child. I was 35, mother of two, stuck in an abusive marriage, financially destitute and couldn’t see any way out. I wasn’t brave enough to kill myself, so I gave my life to God- wholly and fully- and now I’m telling the story of how God guided me out of the shadows, and gave me clarity, meaning and purpose, and what I have learned in the process. It’s been quite illuminating.

The first attempt I had at creating a website was about 18 years ago. Ugh I don’t even know how many times I have tried- both with help and on my own- to build a website. Finally, here we are. CELEBRATION!!! WOOT! WOOT! I have learned to celebrate the small wins, especially in entrepreneurship. Being an entrepreneur is a whole different ball game, and I understand why so many people quit or just don’t bother in the first place. I have questioned my sanity and my direction many times. There has to be something bigger at work- at least in my experience- something either so terrible that you are propelled forward from where you are or something so great calling you forward, the hugest carrot you have ever seen- something so shiny that you keep getting back up and taking the next step despite what everyone around you is saying, despite the resistance and even at times, despite your own “better judgement.” But that is just it. I am not here because this was my plan. This was God’s idea. My original plan was to be a college jewelry teacher. Then, I found hula hooping and wanted to build a website to sell hula hoops. If my plans would have panned out, that first website attempt back in 2008 could have secured me financially, and perhaps I would have been off to grand adventures and experiences. But alas… I was destined for greater things.

But greater things often don’t seem like greater things. They usually don’t start out that way, and mostly always “greater things” just feel hard, frustrating and uncomfortable at first. That is the very thing that creates the movement forward in the first place. In fact, I might argue that the darker your past, the brighter your future can potentially be. It’s just the physics of the thing: for every action, there is (instantaneously) an equal and opposite reaction. At least, this is how physics sees it. When you get into the metaphysics of the thing, we are no longer bound by time space, and then the law becomes for every action, there is an opposite and exponential reaction. We will get into the exponents later, as we dive into the macro and the micro, but what I am saying is that what goes up must come down, and what goes down must come back up. In fact, you can’t go up unless you first go down. Every roller coaster is a great example of this.

See, in order to make it here, to this podcast, to this website, to this page and to writing this blog here and now, my own personal struggle had to be significant enough that “normal” solutions wouldn’t cut it. My mess had to be big enough that I couldn’t walk the traditional path in order to find a way out. In 2016, I was was a pile of tears on the floor of my childhood bedroom. No, I was not a child in 2016. I was a mother of two, stuck in an abusive marriage. My financial life had totally collapsed beneath me, and I had moved back into my parents’ house with my two young sons, so I didn’t have to live on the streets with my (now ex) husband. At that point, I had pretty much given up on life… but I also wasn’t going to kill myself. I was helplessly stuck and couldn’t see any way out. I had come to a place where I was fully convinced that I would never be stable enough to own a home, and despite the fact that I was not stupid, I couldn’t figure out any functional or sustainable way to offer my gifts and be a stable provider for my kids. I was completely overwhelmed. There were even times when I understood how a mom might be driven to drive her car off a bridge with her kids in it. But of course, I wouldn’t do that either, but now I understand the pressure that drives some moms to take such extreme actions. But that is how bad it was, how intense it was, how hopeless it seemed. Instead of killing myself and my kids, I gave myself to God-not part way, but wholly and fully. I begged God for guidance and strength and-an instruction manual. I held on to Faith that, “With God, all things are possible.” (Matthew 19:26.) and, slowly but surely, over the past decade, God has guided me, and I have followed, out of the shadows and into the Light. But this journey isn’t about getting out of the woods; it’s about illuminating them with our unique soul spark. I can now see that all that has been was exactly meant to be what it was, and that the big mess of my life was also exactly where I was meant to be. Allowing God to guide my messy life has illuminated my own shadows and the shadows of those around me so we may all see each other more clearly and love each other more wholly; so that I may love myself more wholly.

Devotion to following God has literally re-membered me- helped me weave my shattered soul back together, helped me to know myself and experience myself more fully. Following God momentarily corrects my trajectory so that I may stay on par for the course, and it has landed me here, to align with a Path much greater than any I could have planned for myself. God has shown me things and taught me things that have anchored me in stability, focus and purpose despite turbulent times. The smallness of my past is now outshined by a calling in the world that is greater than my internal fear, shame and doubt. But first, I had to hit rock bottom and demonstrate the devotion and tenacity to climb all the way back up out of the hole I was in before, to the peak- the point- of the mountain. And now that I am here, you know what I can see? I see that you are it. And you are important enough to bring me out of hiding. So here we are, and this is what we are doing. Thank you for joining me on this wild journey called life.

If you currently find yourself in a place similar to where I was in 2016- spiraling in the depths, feeling lost, confused, lacking fulfillment, direction or purpose in life- don’t stress so hard. I know it sounds crazy, but this is actually a good sign! It is a sign that your soul is calling you, waking you, stirring you to move into something greater, to engage with life on a deeper level, to learn to listen to the whispering of your soul beneath the turbulence of the individual and collective storm that currently rages. The hardest part of feeling this way- at least for me- was not knowing where to turn for support. No one I knew was experiencing the kinds of things I was going through. Where to begin?? Who do I call? Who would understand? The journey of the soul seeker is often a lonely one, but the good news is: You aren’t alone! I am here to help illuminate the wood, to offer my insights, share my mistakes, and the golden nuggets of wisdom I have collected along the way. I am here to reveal a larger context of life that, I believe, really makes everything make so much more sense. Like a lost puzzle piece finally finding its puzzle, I aim to illustrate the big picture for you here so you don’t have to keep groping around in the dark for decades, searching for clarity like I did. Hopefully now that I have found some, I can share it with you and save you some trouble on the way.

The healing journey is a long and slow process that happens in layers, even when you have support and assistance- but don’t underestimate your power! Even the smallest actions are echoed through time/space and exponentially supported by God, especially when it is in response to the true calling of your soul. So, if you are genuinely ready for a new level of growth and expansion, I invite you to start using this simple yet very powerful self-healing technique, the Jin Shin Juitsu Finger Holds. They will serve you very well, especially if you practice even just a few breaths daily. I really like this practice it can be done very discreetly, no matter where you are (stop lights, bathroom, meetings…) The finger holds are great for stress, grounding, and overwhelm… everything, really (it’s all on the worksheet!)

Download my Jin Shin Juitsu finger holds worksheet here: